Uh-oh

Someone got the mean end of the chicken. Hopefully someone will learn not to incessantly tease animals.

 Fans of Beatrix Potter will be familiar with "Nutkin", the squirrel who danced around and sang irritating rhymes to a fearsome old owl.

"Old Mr. B! riddle-me-ree
Flour of England, fruit of Spain,
Met together in a shower of rain;
Put in a bag tied round with a string,
If you'll tell me this riddle, I'll give you a ring!"

Well, Nutkin ended up losing his tail to Old Brown, the owl.

It appears that we have our own Nutkin.

Thankful for my Shepherd

My mother is going to die. My mother is going to die. My mother is going to die.

I've heard this refrain in my head a dozen times a day for nearly two years now. Since around the time that my mom told me she had stage four lung cancer.

I have not talked to her in over a week. I've made excuses every single day as to why I can't call. Too busy, kids too loud, Jason out of town, etc. The truth is, I don't want to call her. Because talking to her is awful. She is nearly impossible to understand and appears not to comprehend what I am saying to her. The last time I got off the phone with her, I called my sister and we spent 15 minutes on the phone sobbing together.

Tonight it was my sister's turn to call me and cry her heart out after calling our mom.

My mom did not know who my sister was. She kept calling her by our uncle's name. She now refers to her husband by her dad's name.

I don't think I can call her again. I feel horrible about that. Does it matter if I call her again? I don't know. It doesn't appear to bring her any comfort and it flat out devastates me. I'm eight months pregnant and I'm supposed to be avoiding devastation. Will I hate myself for not calling her? I don't know. Probably.

The last time I will have seen my mother in this lifetime was at the airport gate as she was about to walk  down the gangplank. She hugged me, kissed me, smiled into my face and said she loved me. I did the same. Then I turned around and walked away from her. I did not look back. Because I knew if I did I would run back to my mother like a small child, fall to my knees, hug her legs and beg her not to go. Like I did every day for the entire first semester of kindergarten.

But I'm 32 years old. A wife for fifteen years. A mother to soon-to-be five children. A real live grown up. So really, I'm not about to make an enormous scene at the airport.

Right now, I am trying to walk away and not look back. It's not really working though. Everywhere I look, I see reminders of her. She helped me set up my kitchen when we moved here. Her artwork is on my walls. Her travel toiletries are still in the upstairs bathroom because she forgot them and I can't bear to throw them out. Even my damn arms look just like hers so every time I look down, I see my mom's arms.

I know it will be okay. God has more than provided me with a wonderful family. I am not lonely. I'm married to the my best friend and the love of my life. I have children that I was told by doctors that I would not have. And then so much more. Closure will eventually come regarding my mother's passing from this life to the next. We've had two years to get to this place of last goodbyes and The Lord has been oh so gentle. I have perfect peace about seeing her again in heaven and that things will be just fine. Grief is a normal part of life and burying your parents is in the natural order of things.

Psalm 23


 The LORD is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
 He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
 He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.
 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the LORD
Forever.

This is why...

...I am so fanatical about my putting our chickens away in the evening and why they sleep in a luxurious dog crate in the garage.

My younger sister has dozens upon dozens of chickens. She has been known to pick up her rifle and blow a chicken away for sitting on her porch. Being a true country girl, she's a good shot and usually manages to salvage the bird for dinner.

Of course, she thinks our chicken love affair is ridiculous.

She's probably right.

Odd Week

You know how some weeks just have a strange feel to them? This one certainly did, at least to me. The whole fire thing put a few grey hairs on my head for sure. But it was definitely a week of ups and downs.

UP:

Jason (sort of) surprised me with a new camera. It's my Christmas present (for the next 5 years probably). I don't know how to use it. I'm not a naturally good photographer. But dang it, I might actually get a few good pics of my kids, pets, and plants with this baby.

UP:

Started baking our own bread again after a six month long hiatus. Yes, just in time to quit again in a few months when The Baby arrives.

DOWN (waaay down, like a rock at the bottom of the sea):

My mother is doing very poorly. I talked to her a few times this week and it's hard to have a conversation with her. The Mom I knew is mostly gone. I don't know if it's the morphine, the disease, or a combo but she is very much out of it. She's on hospice care now. I can't imagine it will be more than a few weeks before I get The Dreaded Call. My sister has been visiting her the past few Fridays and said there is a marked difference from last week and this week. Hurt, hurt, hurt. I guess this is really happening.

UP,DOWN, AND ALL OVER THE PLACE:

My child flew to California without me. Yes, she is with Jason. She is having a great time. She is seeing her great-grandmother and all sorts of fun relatives that live out west (they really are a great bunch). She loved the plane. Loved looking out the window at the tiny cars and houses(more power to you kid!). Her little heart is overflowing with adventure. But I miss her and it's not the same without her. And I miss Jason. Even though I'm happy to assimilate his pillow into my collection for a few nights.

Ending on an UP:

Over the past few weeks I have noticed that my two year old has been drawing faces! Love this picture: her little rectangular foot, the sleep mat in the back of her hair, her pudgy arm. Love, love, love!

Fire, Fire, Everywhere

The awfully hot and dry summer has finally reached its breaking point. For the past week our area has been plauged by fires. It's a pretty crazy situation and I think most people around here have been un-nerved by it all. Seeing what has happened with the fires down in Bastrop has given me a new respect for wildfires. Previously, whenever the weather service would issue a "fire danger" alert I wouldn't pay much attention to it since we live a few blocks from where the wilderness starts. I'm not sure any of us in Central Texas will be non-chalant about such an alert again--I know I won't be.

We had our own little evacuation scare but thankfully we were able to return home after a few hours. We had no idea how serious or where the fire was when we made a mad dash for our irreplaceables last Monday afternoon. All I knew was that we had billowing smoke coming up our street and ash raining down around us. Jason and the 2 older girls had just gone out for soccer supplies when I became aware of the situation. I saw that smoke and ash and did not need any more information to know that it was probably time to grab our junk and get the heck out! About fifteen minutes later we started getting reverse 911 calls and that really threw me into a lather! Jason and the big girls were stuck in the "fire traffic" and I had no way of knowing how close the fire was.

Jason and the big girls got home and while he helped finish loading the car the girls ran around collecting the pets. We threw the three big chickens in a Rubbermaid container and tossed a towel over the top. That went in the trunk of the van on top of the pet porter that held one of our cats. The dog was on a leash in the front seat. I grabbed our lizard, Gus, and deposited him on Paige's lap. Hailey and Reese sat with towels on their laps with our two little chickens in their arms. We had no carseats in the car because we had cleaned out the car that morning. I strapped Penny into a regular seat and prayed to God that He would protect us as we drove. We couldn't catch our indoor cat, Skinny, and after flipping couches and nearly killing ourselves in the process of trying to catch her decided we had to leave her and hope for the best. The girls were crying hysterically because we were leaving their toys behind. I lost everything I owned to a fire when I was nine years old. I remember that pain. Which is why Jason and I ran back in and spent two minutes grabbing the girls' Webkinz off their beds and anything else we knew was particularly special to them. He piled his car with his large family of guitars and amps and we drove out into the traffic heading away from the fire.

We went to my friend, Alison's house. They live nearby but were not in the danger zone. They kindly welcomed us and our pets and we hung out there for a few hours. What a blessing they were--their family's calm and kind nature brought peace to our family during a nail biting few hours. Alison and her husband ran around getting water for our pets and helping us keep kids and animals under control. The kids were ecstatic to see each other and they all had a blast.

We made it home around 9/9:30 that evening. Thankfully, our neighborhood was ok. Our house smelled awful from the smoke and everyone had red eyes for a day or so. But our house was still here unlike nearly a dozen families on the other side of the road who lost their homes. It was particularly terrible to learn that our local fire was caused by arson. What a horrible thing for someone to do.

There isn't any rain in our immediate forecast. The place is still as dry as a bone and temperatures are climbing back to the 100's this week. This summer needs to end and we need some flooding rains to help with the situation around here. Fires are still burning all around Texas and it's heartbreaking to hear the stories coming out, especially in Bastrop. 1,400 homes lost, at least 2 lives, and who knows how many pets. So sad :(

Kids Suck the Life Out of You...If you Let Them. And Why That's a Good Thing.

A few months ago I read an article written about whether couples with kids are happier than couples who choose to be childfree. Since it was on CNN's website I should have known better than to be optimistic. But I took the bait, opened the article, and was really sad about what I read. But I can't really say it surprised me.

Our society typically regards children as burdens. It's everywhere. Children are to be dealt with as quickly as possible so parents can get back to the "important stuff". The more that children require, the more they are treated with disdain. Handicapped children usually aren't even wanted if the handicap is found before the child's birth. A mother with a "difficult" baby is pitied. An insecure toddler who refuses to part with mom is considered a real drag--a "momma's girl/boy". Normal childish behavior irritates the heck out of parents, family members, strangers, etc. When parents have to "give up" their time, money, energy, perfect home, perhaps a second income, social life, etc, many of them seem quite resentful of their children.

One of the most difficult lessons of parenting for me has been to change the way I see the daily (seemingly constant) interruptions that go hand in hand with having children. The selfish side of me wants to snap impatiently at the child who just dumped cottage cheese all over the floor. I don't particularly like having to get off the phone with Jason, who I haven't talked to all day, to deal with someone's lousy behavior. Not a huge fan of redressing the toddler because she drenched herself with the hose while "helping" me water the plants. Usually I am not opposed to being called outside to see crazy chicken behavior but with the unbelievable heat of this summer and my advancing pregnancy, truly I'd rather not move more than is absolutely necessary.

However...

Jesus said this to his disciples in Luke 9:23-25: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it. What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit their very self?"

I'm not sure about anyone else, but I don't see a whole lot of "denying of self" in our current culture, particularly when it comes to being parents (ok, in any area but I'm talking about parents). Parenthood has turned into this thing of convenience. Few people seem to see the value in spending the great majority of their time and energy training up their children. They'd rather delegate it to someone else and pursue what the world considers worthwhile (their dreams, unnecessary employment and/or preoccupation with their employment particularly with very little ones, education, fitness, friends, even ministry). And yep, I'm going to say it (who reads this blog anyway?? lol) but it's as rampant in the church as it is in the rest of the world. The same selfishness that is valued in our culture is frequently praised in the church.

Who realizes that Jesus was a huge disappointment to the Jews? They wanted a kick-butt-and-take-no-answers-king who would drive those Roman dogs to their knees. Instead they got this guy who let people slap him around, was flat broke, and encouraged people to do the exact opposite of their human nature. The mother of Jesus was a lowly unmarried teenager. Jesus was born in a dirty stable to poor parents.

However...

God's ways are not our ways. Matthew 23:12: "For whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted."

When we humble ourselves and take on the nitty gritty task of really parenting and discipling our children, we are going to lose our life for His sake. We'll be tired. We will have to deny ourselves. We might not get to follow our dreams. We might not have the things we want, look the way we wish we could, go the places we want to go. And we probably aren't going to get much accolades for all of our hard work. But He promises that our life will be saved! True life! Gaining all that this world has to offer will matter ZIP in eternity. It's quite plain in the Scriptures.

Closing thoughts: Children were made the way are (imperfect, LOUD, destructive, needy, etc) for a reason. I truly believe that God made them that way to challenge parents to drop their selfishness. As a parent, you have so many daily opportunities to grow as a person in the areas that really matter (patience, wisdom, discernment, love, selflessness, among other things). When your kid(s) is driving you crazy, there is your chance to rise to the occasion and work on your attitude and character(oh yeah, and don't miss the opportunity to disciple your little one(s). Romans 5:3-5 says "Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." So, the next time your kid gets a hold of the permanent marker or throws an enormous tantrum, make sure you rejoice in your suffering. It's really a blessing ;)